Like almost every boy, Freddie Woodward was exposed to porn at an early age. At first, it was nothing more than a glance at adult magazines or material shared between friends. Then, as he got older, he stepped into the seemingly endless world of online videos, which offered a quick hit of dopamine for a curious mind. If we put embarrassment aside, his relationship with adult content was nothing out of the ordinary; it’s a familiar path followed by millions of people worldwide. Woodward continued watching porn during a childhood spent excelling in sport. He was spotted as a potential talent while at school and put on a pathway to becoming a professional diver. The goal was reaching the 2016 Olympic Games in Rio. “I always say diving found me; I didn’t find diving,” he told CNN Sports. “Immediately, I was in this elite pathway. It was never recreational diving. From the get-go, we’re trying to make Olympic athletes from this and so it was four, five, six days a week almost immediately.” The talent was obviously there, but Woodward admits he never truly believed he would make the Olympic squad because he was growing up in a golden generation of British divers – including the likes of Olympic champion Tom Daley. But through dedication, sacrifice and an obsessive work ethic, Woodward secured the last spot on Team GB in 2016, where he went on to finish 19th in the springboard diving event. “It was an insane feeling, and in a sense, I wasn’t there with medal-winning expectations, so while it felt like such a big deal for me, there was a bit of pressure off.” But while he excelled on the sporting stage, Woodward had continued to fall deeper into the world of online porn. It wasn’t as if he was living a dramatic double life – where he would race home from training and spend countless hours in front of the laptop – his relationship with adult content was more insidious than that. It was so subtle that he didn’t necessarily realize, or at least admit to himself, that something was wrong. Although watching porn became an almost daily occurrence, Woodward was still out socializing, dating and living an otherwise fulfilling life. But, looking back now, he can see how his habit was starting to corrode different areas of his life. “I first had these little niggles about it as a slightly older teenager trying to go through exams,” he said. “Any time I came to do any sort of revision, porn was just constantly like: ‘I’m here, I’m here, I’m here,’ and so that was when I first noticed it was a problem because I could actively see that I was not being as productive. “Something felt a bit off, but I kind of just pushed that to one side and didn’t really think much of it.” Woodward remembers googling whether porn addiction was even a thing during his teenage years, and found an article which said there might be an issue if someone watched over 10 hours of porn a day. That was way more than Woodward watched on average and justified his continued use. But, as with other addictions, Woodward was taking bigger risks in search of a bigger hit of dopamine. He started swapping content of himself in exchange for videos and pictures of others. Waiting for that message to come in felt exciting, so much so that he’d ignore the possible consequences of his actions. “Looking back now, it was kind of addict behaviour really. Not being honest with yourself and justifying things in a strange way to sort of get what you want. But it was never enough,” he said. The painful turning point Then in 2017, the year after he competed at the Olympics, content of Woodward was leaked online. “That was one of the worst moments of my life. It really, really, really crushed me,” he said. “Obviously, it was incredibly embarrassing, and I didn’t know how to deal with that. But it was also just this mirror to myself; what I’d been, what I’d been doing, my actions and how careless I was.” Woodward was still diving competitively at this time and had been trying to stop his porn usage. It was then that he knew something was very wrong. Despite the consequences and how low it made him feel, he couldn’t stop. He realized he was hooked. But acknowledging the problem was the first step to his recovery. As he transitioned away from life as a professional athlete, Woodward joined a cruise company where he would perform diving stunts on ships around the Caribbean. Given everything that had happened, the thought of escaping to a boat was appealing, and it gave him the space to properly discover who he was as a person. Through more reading on the topic and daily meditation, Woodward began tackling his relationship with porn head-on. However, it took him six years of trying before he could finally stop. Now, he’s two years free. Woodward has since decided to speak out about his struggles around a topic that many still find taboo. But the huge response to his story proves that he’s not alone and points to many others suffering with this in silence. Are athletes more vulnerable? Among those who have reached out to him in recent weeks are several athletes, which raises the question as to whether sportspeople are more vulnerable to this addiction than others. And while Woodward agrees that the sample size is too small to find an objective answer to that question, he does believe his profession played a role in developing his addiction – albeit in a convoluted way. Other athletes have spoken out about their similar struggles in the past, including former NFL punter Steve Weatherford, ex-NFL star and current actor Terry Crews and New Zealand Olympian Nick Willis. “I think the kind of people who are likely to become successful athletes are also the kind of people who maybe have a higher probability of having compulsive porn use,” Woodward said, reflecting on his own experience. “You don’t live a normal young life, and I think it’s this high-performance mindset that is a bit of a trap. You pile your self-worth into what you can achieve as an athlete, so if you fail to achieve something good, that means that you have fundamentally failed as a person. I think this expectation, this shame and this blame make porn a crutch that seems more appealing. “It’s the escape, it’s the constant that’s always there for you, that’s not going to challenge you. It’s the thing that’s going to make you feel better in the evening after a bad session. It’s always there. It’s always new.” What the limited research says It’s important to note that porn usage is not yet officially recognized as an addiction. The World Health Organization instead puts it under the umbrella of Compulsive Sexual Behaviour Disorder. But research is ongoing into the relatively new issue that seems to have accelerated due to the ease with which people can access porn online. Paula Hall is a sexual and relationship psychotherapist who now looks to help people with excessive porn use through schemes such as the Laurel Centre and Pivotal Recovery. Symptoms of what people call “porn addiction” can differ between individuals, but Hall tells CNN Sports that the bottom line is whether porn is having a detrimental impact on their life – be that in relationships, work or their own self-esteem. Hall refers to it as a spectrum disorder, which mainly impacts men, and where “at the milder end, you’re using pornography for pleasure and, perhaps at that level, it’s completely recreational.” But she added: “What often happens then is it kind of builds and you’re using it as a way to regulate uncomfortable emotions, whether that’s anxiety, depression, loneliness, stress, whatever it might be. “Over time, it goes further to the point where actually you’re using it just to feel normal. So not using it feels difficult.” Hall has worked with several sportspeople regarding their porn use but, like Woodward, is aware there isn’t enough research or evidence to prove any correlation between athletes and porn addiction. But she does recognize that an athlete’s lifestyle, notably during their teenage years, might make them more vulnerable. That’s because budding athletes will tend to avoid other vices such as alcohol, drugs or smoking because it’s detrimental to their game. Porn presents itself as a seemingly harmless way of calming down after the intensity of training and competition. Pro athletes are also on the road a lot, left alone in empty hotel rooms with time on their hands, perhaps unable to form normal romantic relationships because of their hectic timetables. “If you’re a professional sportsperson, there is so much physical control you have to have. You’ve got to watch your diet. Obviously, you’ve got to do your exercise, so there’s a real physical control thing going on,” Hall added. “Porn addiction, and sex addictions, is an opportunity to physiologically release. It’s a place to be out of control in a controlled environment. I think that’s the other reason why it’s popular.” Raising awareness While Hall says there is little research to suggest athletic performance will be severely hampered due to a porn addiction, she doesn’t entirely rule it out. Woodward, who can only reflect on his own lived experience, thinks he did see a drop-off in his sport, both physically but more so mentally. “Let’s say the first time you ever watch porn, you suddenly got this little flick and change in you immediately, and you saw what you would be like and how you would think in 15 years. I think you would be like: ‘Whoa, whoa, okay, I’m not going to touch this,’” he said. “It affected my confidence, it affected my focus, it affected my maturity, it affected my emotional control, it affected my patience. You know, I wonder if it also affected some element of strength.” Now, Woodward has become an ambassador for bringing awareness to an issue that clearly impacts more people than society realizes – or cares to admit. There are still some nights he wakes up wondering whether speaking out was the right decision, but he’s reassured by the messages of support he’s received from people who say listening to his story has made them reassess their relationship with porn. He now wants to help them get the support that he wished he had all those years ago.
