Social media doesn’t strengthen your friendships. What works

Feeling lonely? An offline interaction with a friend can go a long way toward easing that sentiment. (mapo/iStockphoto/Getty Images via CNN Newsource)

Think DMing your friends on TikTok or Instagram will keep you closer?

Not necessarily.

Using social media isn’t likely to strengthen your friendships and could even make you lonelier, suggests a study published Wednesday in Public Health Reports, the official journal of the U.S. Public Health Service.

Adults with a greater percentage of social media connections whom they hadn’t ever met in person were lonelier, according to the survey of over 1,500 Americans ages 30 to 70 years old. What’s more, connecting with more close friends on social media didn’t make people less lonely, said lead author Dr. Brian Primack, a professor of public health at Oregon State University in Corvallis, Oregon.

While a lot of past research has focused on how social media affects kids, the new study offers insights into how adults are affected by their online interactions, Primack said. One limitation of the study is that it isn’t clear whether people who were lonelier connected with more strangers online or whether connecting with strangers caused their loneliness, Primack said, but he suspects it’s both.

Much research shows that having offline friends makes people less lonely, Primack noted. But connecting with friends online clearly is “just not the same,” he said.

Primack compared connecting with friends online instead of in person to eating flavored apple cereal instead of apples. “This flavored apple cereal will fill your belly, it still provides calories and it tastes good, but it’s not providing the special sauce that we evolved to need,” he said.

That disparity could help explain why so many people are lonely. About half of American adults feel this way, according to a 2023 Surgeon General’s report, which called the problem an epidemic. Being socially disconnected is as awful for a person’s health as smoking up to 15 cigarettes per day, according to the report.

Let’s make friends offline

To stave off loneliness, we clearly need offline friendships.

Don’t have enough? That’s really common, said Melissa Greenberg, a clinical psychologist at Princeton Psychotherapy Center in New Jersey who was not involved in the research.

“It doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with you,” she said.

How do you change this situation? Greenberg suggested going to a book club, members only events at a museum or movie theater, fitness class or arts class. You could also volunteer on a political campaign or become part of a religious group.

“People tend to make friends with people who have similar interests, so doing something that you’re interested in is probably a good place to start,” she said.

Make it something close to home, she added, because we’re more likely to strike up friendships with people who live nearby.

Also, put away your device when you go places! If you’re scrolling on your phone, it’s going to be a lot harder to connect with the people around you.

Try asking these questions

To strike up a conversation with someone that could lead to a friendship, ask a question that requires more than a one-word answer, Greenberg said. Instead of asking “how was your weekend?” try “what did you do this weekend?” Or ask what the person’s favorite bar or coffee shop in the area is.

Compliments also can work, she said.

Of course, if someone asks you a question, “give specific examples from your life,” Greenberg said. Don’t just say your weekend was great — explain what you did. Know that others may be more receptive to developing a friendship than you think.

“Most people like when other people are interested in them,” Greenberg pointed out.

If you’re on social media

Greenberg wouldn’t recommend using social media as a way of keeping up friendships. But if you’re going to be on it, use it to stay connected with the people in your life, by messaging or interacting with the posts of people who are important to you.

More passive use of social media is correlated with more depression and anxiety, Greenberg said. That’s likely because passive consumption often involves more social comparisons. However, actively using social media by posting, commenting and messaging doesn’t seem to be as bad for most people, she said.

Primack said he’d advise social media users to think about who they’re interacting with and if they want to continue keeping up their connections.

“Reflect on that, because we don’t often do that,” he said.

The research suggests that staving off loneliness requires putting away our devices and connecting with other people in person. Thankfully, the coming summer months are the perfect time of year to get out and socialize.

By Kara Alaimo, CNN