AI chatbots hit the dating scene, becoming the lovelorn's modern-day Cyrano

(AP Illustration / Peter Hamlin)

Marie Lansley recently started a new job in a new city while searching for a new partner. In her dating pursuits, the freshly minted San Franciscan said she’s been “trying everything”— including some help from artificial intelligence.

AI chatbots have become — for her and many others — de facto dating coaches and relationship experts.

Lansley, 36, consults AI chatbots for help in starting conversations, something she said she finds difficult on dating apps despite being comfortable doing so in person. Although she’s optimistic about the possibilities, she acknowledges the incongruency between the art of romance and the precision of technology.

“I am open to AI finding me the love of my life, but I’m also not fully convinced that it can,” Lansley said. “AI is great at making dating more efficient. But the chemistry — that’s always going to be analog.”

AI adopters have been using the tech in varied ways to find romance. Some patronize AI matchmaking services. Others use AI tools to help build their dating profiles. But the most common way is enlisting chatbots to draft messages to potential matches and interpret messages they receive.

Lansley goes back and forth between OpenAI’s ChatGPT and Anthropic’s Claude. Others turn to Elon Musk and X’s Grok, Google’s Gemini and other chatbots. Dating apps and AI companies are leaning into it. ChatGPT and Gemini have posted content on TikTok showcasing their chatbots’ customized, personality-laden relationship advice.

“Claude is the new Cyrano,” said dating coach Carey Gaynes, referencing the 19th century French play “Cyrano de Bergerac” in which the titular character is the brains behind another man’s romantic words.

“You’re using a voice that isn’t yours.”

Gaynes said she has heard of daters of all ages turning to the technology, both from her client base and her following on her YouTube channel, Coffee with Carey. She sees how it could be useful in dating, but like many others, she worries about overreliance.

Like the platitude used to describe many a modern dating arrangement, it’s complicated when it comes to people’s feelings about AI’s role in romance. There’s a range of excitement, resistance and skepticism.

AI is writing icebreakers, offering advice and matchmaking

Lansley said she has been startled by how chatbots can appear to display emotional intelligence.

When doing an onboarding call with the AI matchmaker on the app Known, she said the questions the bot asked went “one or two levels deeper” than traditional dating app questions and it seemed to be striving for empathy.

It doesn’t necessarily lead to better results — her first match was not a perfect fit.

Mason Naung, a 25-year-old student in Los Angeles, said he doesn’t use chatbots for message ideas, but could see the benefit of it for “icebreakers” during the early back-and-forth with someone.

“I’ve been on Hinge on and off for a year or two, and sometimes I kind of struggle to think about what the opening line should be like with this girl, right?” he said. But if the AI-written messages go beyond those initial exchanges, that would be a “small red flag” in his mind.

Just as chatbots can help start conversations, they also can help end things. Dani Cohen, a 27-year-old business owner in San Diego, said she would much rather be sent an AI-written farewell message by someone she’s been on a few dates with than be “ghosted,” or cut off without a word.

“Obviously, in a perfect world, everyone knows exactly what they want to say and how to say it in the kindest way possible and they do that. That’s not the world we live in,” she said. “Anything to get people to communicate, and to communicate their thoughts kindly and effectively, is great.”

Skepticism persists on ‘outsourcing’ love life

Several people who spoke with The Associated Press, including those who have turned to AI for dating help, expressed reservations about using the technology to help with deeply personal aspects of their life. Many adopters said they had a line they wouldn’t cross when it would be inappropriate to use AI for dating.

Others couldn’t dream of turning to a chatbot for help with their love life at all.

Clara Sullivan, a 22-year-old student in Los Angeles, said she would not reply to a potential partner if she knew they were sending her AI-written messages.

“I think it’s really scary how reliant people are on it,” Sullivan said. “It’s completely gotten rid of people’s ability to think creatively and on their own.”

Many feel the same way. A 2025 survey from the Pew Research Center found 53 per cent of U.S. adults say AI will worsen people’s ability to think creatively. Half of those polled said they feel AI will worsen people’s ability to form meaningful relationships.

Still, the marriage of AI with the highly lucrative dating industry was likely inescapable. Many dating apps have been integrating AI into their platforms for years.

Tinder has an AI-powered feature called Chemistry that suggests profiles tailored to a user’s interests. Hinge has AI-powered conversation starters and feedback tools to help build users’ profiles and make interactions smooth.

The founder of the app Bumble recently said the platform will soon ditch the well-known swipe feature, instead pivoting toward AI-driven matchmaking. After facing some backlash to the decision, Bumble CEO and founder Whitney Wolfe Herd wrote in a statement that said what they’re building “is rooted in a simple belief: technology should make love and connection feel more human, not less.”

Some see tradeoffs to AI’s role in romance

Mohammed Nizami, 23, said he turns to AI for some things in his life, but not his dating pursuits.

“We’re all craving for some degree of authentic connection. Certainly with your partner, you want that,” he said. “If there’s some filter or barrier between you and your partner or potential partner, I think that’s just not a great way to start a relationship.”

Nizami said chatbots may not even provide the best guidance. The sycophantic nature of many chatbots, he said, might be “good for your own mental comfort” but does not necessarily lead to the soundest advice.

AI is likely going to play a growing role in modern dating life, despite the hesitations.

“It’s kind of a sad commentary on the state of the world. Dating is supposed to be one of the things that cannot be replaced, right?” said Jake Clay, a 30-year-old content creator in New York City. “It’s kind of sad to think that something so pivotal to your life journey is being outsourced to an AI who can’t understand the emotions around it.”

Clay did say he’s been receiving fewer texts from friends asking him to decode a message from potential partners, as they now turn to chatbots.

Clay wryly said he appreciates AI “lifting the load” there but also called the situation a “Catch-22” since it’s “circumventing some of the normal processes in life that I feel like should be a little bit more sacred.”

Kaitlyn Huamani, The Associated Press