The difference between choosing happiness and toxic positivity

Can you choose happiness? It's a question many people find either inspiring or frustrating. Registered psychologist Joan Neehall shares her insight.

Can you choose happiness? It’s a question many people find either inspiring or frustrating and it’s also the subject of a lot of research. Registered psychologist Joan Neehall joined CTV Your Morning Edmonton’s Kent Morrison to explain the difference between choosing happiness and toxic positivity.

This transcript has been edited for length and clarity.

Kent Morrison: How do we define happiness?

Joan Neehall: I define it as subjective well being. It’s the balance between our achievements and our aspirations. In some cultures, the focus is on cultural or collective harmony. In other cultures, it’s on individualistic exuberance, so you can be going through bereavement, feeling anger, frustration and still have a meaningful life.

Kent: What’s the benefit of choosing to be happy?

Joan: Let’s look at it from a physical perspective. You have an improved cardiovascular system, your immune system is strengthened, you have a longer lifespan, you have flexibility. From a psychological perspective, you get success at work, you have good relationships. Happiness creates success, not the other way around. We have an ability to make good decisions and have good relationships. Those are some of the advantages to being happy as well as resilience.

Kent: Choosing to be happy can sometimes get confused with toxic positivity or forcing it or faking it, and that rubs people the wrong way. What’s the difference between choosing happiness and toxic positivity?

Joan: That’s an excellent question because in my field, we’re not talking about forcing yourself to be happy under any circumstance. That’s toxic positivity. That says the pressure to be happy at all times even if your life is legitimately painful. When you’re told gratuitous advice, such as “Be grateful. Other people have it worse,” it just elicits shame.

I’ve got people saying to me, “I don’t want to try it because if I try it, what’s going to happen is I will have to deal with negative emotions and I don’t want to have negative emotions.” I say, “I understand, but you have the goals of dead people.” Discomfort is the entry point to having a meaningful life.

Kent: Can you expand on how that gives you a meaning in your life?

Joan: Let’s go back two steps. Did you know that 10 per cent of our happiness is due to setbacks? Forty per cent is due to our deliberate, intentional thoughts and actions in response to the setback. I say first of all, tame it. Just look at all of the emotions you’re experiencing at the moment during the setback without judgment. Nutrition, exercise, and rest should be non-negotiable. Deliberately set yourself up for agency to occur by setting yourself up with small, intentional changes that you can accomplish so you feel like you’re still in control.

Instead of asking “Why” questions, ask “How” questions. “How can I transform this? Who can I turn to for help with guidance and support?” This is a painful chapter in your life, but it’s not the end of the book. Remember, we do have a psychological immune system that Gilbert talks about and that helps us to normalize the situation as it is right now, to reduce the unhappy moments so that we can bounce forward and look at positive outcomes.

Control comes not from externals, but from our ability to deal with uncertainties and to develop new possibilities. Because at the end of the day, what happens to us in our lives isn’t important. That doesn’t create happiness. What creates happiness is our interpretation of the events, how we act in response to them, and how we use these to make our lives even more growthful.