‘It does get magnified’: Mother describes grief during the holidays

A Nova Scotia mother shares her family's journey through loss and healing during the holiday season in an effort to help others. Sarah Plowman has the details.

For those who have lost loved ones, the holiday season can be a difficult time.

Tera Sisco of Martock, Nova Scotia understands this all too well.

The mother has spent three Christmases without her son Colton Sisco, a six-year-old boy who died during flash flooding in Nova Scotia in July 2023.

“I’ve learned that my grief, it’s never going to shrink. It’s never going to go away. In the holidays, it does get magnified,” said Sisco.

Her face lights up when she talks about her late son. How he loved the magic of Christmas, the lights, his mischievous toy elf named Blitz, and time with his older brother Alex and family.

Sisco notes it’s tough to compare her family’s past three Christmases. The first year she put up a few decorations at the last minute. Last year, she decorated a little more. This year she attended holiday parties and started shopping early. She felt enthusiastic to cheer on Santa and an elf who visited the adults and children with disabilities she works with.

But before Christmas, she said her “grief moment” hit.

“It was like an all-stop, pretty much just before Christmas. And my son was getting in the glum as well,” she said.

Sisco used an analogy to describe her grief. She thinks of it like a big exercise ball that’s always near you. Sometimes it’s front of your face blocking your view. Sometimes it’s off to the side and you only get a glimpse of it. To her, the grief never changes in size, but at times it’s less visible.

“And then lately it’s just been like sitting right beside us at the table or sitting right there under the tree,” she said.

Sharing memories and talking about Colton helps her family cope. Sisco said she and her oldest son, now 13-years-old, often wonder and discuss what Colton would do or say if he was with them.

“We love talking about Colton. That really does help,” she said.

The family also celebrates the boy in his absence. A new tradition grew out of their loss. Sisco puts up two Christmas trees, including a 7-foot-tall pencil tree decked out in spiderman and popcorn ornaments and a superhero ribbon — all nods to Colton’s favourite things.

“We still think of, we still celebrate him,” she said.

The mother has also learned to give herself grace on the tougher days.

“You just really have to give yourself your own permission to be like, okay, I’ve tried today and I’m going to take a rest,” she said.

Coping with grief during the holidays

Psychologist Dayna Lee-Baggley said grief often shows up at firsts, such as a first birthday or holiday without the person who passed away. It also can be felt long after the person has passed.

“I think because the holidays there’s such an expectation to be with family. You notice the absence of family members more acutely,” she said.

“There aren’t five stages of grief. They’ve disproved that theory. But grief does come with many different emotions, but they don’t have to show up in a specific order. And so it’s really helpful to actually just allow yourself those moments of grief.”

The psychologist also pointed out how people have an ongoing relationship with their loved ones after they die.

“We know what they would say. We know how they would talk about things. And that ongoing relationship is very normal. And so successful grieving doesn’t mean you don’t miss them and it doesn’t mean you don’t long for them. It means that you feel both that sadness that they’re gone and the happy memories,” she said.

Lee-Baggley also highlights how kindness and compassion towards oneself is key.

“There’s not something wrong with you if you’re noticing waves of grief even a while after somebody has passed away. It’s a very normal part of grieving,” she said, noting it’s helpful to remember when you feel grief it’s because you had a meaningful relationship with that person.

“It’s often just a sign of love persevering. And so when we remember that grief is about love, then it can sometimes help us cope with it better. It doesn’t mean it’s less painful, but we just add those two things together,” Lee-Baggley said.

If you’re feeling lonely over the holidays, she suggests volunteering to address your own loneliness and spend time helping someone else who may feel lonely.

“We know that helping other people has a really good effect on your well-being. And so by doing those kinds of social volunteering events, you can both help your own sense of loneliness and help somebody else’s sense of loneliness,” she said.